She mommed me. She mommed me good.

A soft stroke of her hand across my face when I was feeling scared.

A warm hug when I couldn’t figure out what to do.

A patient heart when I started slamming doors.

But mostly time. Not just passing time, but hours spent with me and sacrificed for me. 

Seconds, minutes, hours, days, and years of concern and unconditional love.

That’s how the word Mom turned into a verb.

She would mom me at church.  She’d play with my fingers and let me wear her rings as I looked up and admired her beautiful alto voice and her dedicated faith, dreaming of the day when I would become her.  

She would mom me when I fought with my siblings, sending me to my room after I lost my temper, but ultimately knowing it wouldn’t last long. She must have missed momming because she’d welcome me back with open arms after a brief hiatus. Her love wasn't hinged on my behavior. 

Her love made the sun rise, the flowers bloom and it swallowed me whole

every

single 

day. 

She even mommed me when I wasn’t home.  After making a terrible decision to put myself in a precarious situation after a dance, I wondered how in the world I would make it home safely. Miraculously, I was able to get home unscathed and share the story with her. During that time she had been prompted to get on her knees and pray for my safety.

 Of course she listened.

Of course she did everything in her power to save me.

Her momming extended to everything she touched. She made outfits, afghans, toys and birthday cakes. She carefully crafted Halloween costumes and lovingly crocheted Easter baskets and Christmas stockings. She didn’t have social media lingering at her fingertips, waiting to be awed by her gifted artistry, but seemed quite content being paid with the excited smiles of her children. 

Eventually, I became a mother myself.  It took me all of 2 days to come to the conclusion that

 I COULDN’T MOM. 

I couldn’t possibly. 

It was hard and frustrating and exhausting and hard again.  

I didn’t realize that young moms were always drowning, 

they just had an uncanny ability to make it look like they were water skiing. 

I didn’t have that. 

So she came to the rescue. 

She came over and mommed with me, and her momming looked even more…grand.

What happens when you have a mother who moms really well? 

You have a million memories of her laughs and her hugs and her words of encouragement. You can still hear her cheers that have evolved from rowdy ball games and are now focused on important life decisions.  

You know you deserve to be loved because 

you have always been cared for and valued and cherished.  

And you know,

without a doubt, 

that there’s nothing more precious in this world 

than the love of a good mother.

5 Things I'd Like My Children To Know

5 Things I’d Like My Children To Know

(Photo by Valerie Porter)

There’s Nothing You Can Do That Will Make Me Stop Loving You

I love you. You may not recall, but you used to be a baby. A baby that would shoot vomit or yellow explosive poop all over my whole self every few hours. 

But guess what?? I still thought your chubby cheeks (butt cheeks included) were the cutest things to ever grace the planet earth.  Believe me when I say, there is nothing you can do that will make me stop loving you.

Nothing. Nada. Zippo

If you become a serial killer, I will call the police, change the locks on my doors and board up the windows, BUT…. I. Will. Not. Stop. Loving. You. 

Your Pain Is My Pain

When you were two, we decided to torture you by taking your binky away. You sat in your room and cried for an entire hour. I know, it was extremely traumatizing and you can blame your serial killing on that if you’d like. What you probably don’t realize is while you were screaming your guts out; I was sitting in my room crying right along with you. 

 When I dropped you off at school and saw you standing alone in the corner of the playground with tears running down your face, I had to practically tie my hands to the steering wheel to keep myself from jumping over the fence to rescue you.

When you had to go the emergency room, I stood by your side, putting on a brave face telling you everything would be all right.  But I really felt like screaming on the top of my lungs, “MAKE IT STOP!!!” as I punched the walls (and any nurse that couldn’t get your IV in on the first try).  

When you don’t get asked to a school dance,

When you don’t make the team,

When you miss a word in a spelling bee,

I feel it.

If I could take away all of your pain,

I would.

But I also understand that feeling pain helps us recognize and appreciate joy. My greatest wish is for you to have more happy days than sad, more laughter than tears and more joy than despair. Unfortunately, we all have bad days. Just know that when the rain comes pouring down,

You Are Not Alone.

(Photo by Valerie Porter)

Be Picky

Remember all of the times we’ve told you to love everyone, forgive others and try not to judge? All great advice…except when it comes to dating.  Well, it’s still great advice, but let me make a few modifications. 

 Don’t judge a book by its cover,

BUT if it turns out to be a crappy, no good book that treats you poorly and encourages you to lower your standards, you don’t have to finish it. 

When it comes to forgiving people,

Do it.

ALWAYS.

Just know that forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to stay in a relationship with him or her. Find someone who respects you. Find someone who serves other people. Find someone who loves you for who you are. 

If the person you are with is dragging you down,

Forgive them.

And then walk away.

Far far away.

Walk to Kansas.

(Photo by Valerie Porter)

Hard Work Is The Key To Happiness

Well, maybe not THE key, but it is A key.  Everything worth having requires work. Marriage, children, home, green grass, education, employment, chocolate chip cookies, clean clothes…EVERYTHING. Please don’t hate us because we make you do chores. We’re not just using you because we don’t want to clean the toilets ourselves.

(That only happens on Tuesdays.)

We give you responsibilities so you can learn how to lead successful, productive lives.  A good work ethic isn’t something that you can order off of Amazon and if you can learn how to work hard when you’re small, it’s going to be a heck of a lot easier to swallow when you get to enjoy the freedoms/shackles of adulthood.  When you get your first job you’ll notice there are teens dropping like flies all around you. They don’t feel like coming to work today because their boyfriend told them their hair looked weird in a visor, or their cat is feeling sick, or they have a splinter in their pinky toe.

Don’t Be That Kid.

Be Happy With Who You Are

Warning: You are going to have a strong urge to ignore everything I’m about to say because I’m your mother. Please, do me a favor and pretend I’m not your mother for a paragraph or two.  

There is something uniquely wonderful about you. 

(Photo by Valerie Porter)

You are beautiful and strong and interesting.  

You will have so many opportunities to magnify those qualities, 

but before you can, 

you’re going to need to believe that you are beautiful and strong and interesting. 

(Photo by Valerie Porter)

People will say things about you that will make you doubt yourself and make you want to stick your head in the sand. People can be mean. Really mean. When that happens,

FIGHT!

Don’t fight them, fight the words they put in your head.

(Unless they are physically trying to harm you, then by all means, kick them in the junk sack.)  

But whatever you do, don’t join their team. 

Don’t look in the mirror and attack the beauty that is you.  

Remind yourself daily that you are uniquely wonderful and then go out and serve.  The best antidote for a “bad hair day” or a “feeling fat day” is forgetting about you and doing something good for someone else. When you serve others, you’ll be reminded of your worth.  

And if you need someone else to remind you of your worth, 

Call your mother. 

Call me.

(Photo by Valerie Porter)

5 EASY ways to get out of a SUGAR COMA

YOU,

yes you!

 The person eating way too much sugar.

 I’m not talking about the girl who eats a wheat roll with her grilled chicken and asparagus and beats herself up for inhaling too many carbs. I’m talking about those of us who eat a doughnut for breakfast, fifteen Tootsie Rolls for a morning snack and two popcorn balls for lunch. Ms. Wheat Roll just guffawed because she thinks we’re joking. Nope, we’re not. We feel like we are always in a fog, we steal our kids’ Halloween candy when they are at school and we feel terrible about ourselves every time we climb into bed.  

So, how do we stop the madness? 

Here are a few simple, doable tricks to help you kick the sugar habit. First of all, you should know that I am not a nutritionist, I am not a fitness guru and I don’t like coconut or playing monopoly. I’m just a regular Joe(or a regular Joe’s wife in this case), but I have successfully kicked the habit of sugar binging more than a few times. Here are a couple of tips to get you started.

1. Bite your tongue

I know what you’re thinking, we’re not trying to stop slandering people, we’re trying to eighty-six the sugar beast. I understand that, but I’m not speaking metaphorically, I’m being very literal. 

Bite your tongue. 

In half if you need to.

 If you can’t taste it or effectively swallow, you won’t eat it.  

2. Eat sand

We can’t eat sand. 

Yes you can..... and you will. 

When Grandma Joan visits with her “Better Than Sex Cake” in tow and everyone is giggling and drooling, you will stuff your freaking mouth with sand. 

That ain’t no answer. 

It's the only answer. 

3. Put yourself into an actual coma

I know you’re not questioning this one, not even a little bit. It’s the quickest way to sugar detox and you won’t have to clean toilets or fold laundry for a month. Heck, you won’t even have to get up to pee.

 It’s a no-brainer.  

4. Cry

That’s right. Have a good cry. Once you suck the joy out of life by giving up sugary goodness, there is nothing left to do. If you don’t feel like crying yet, just visualize cake-less birthday parties, pie-less Thanksgivings and waking up on Christmas morning with carrot sticks in your stocking. Everything you love about life is dead and gone. 

CRY YOUR EYES OUT.

But whatever you do, don’t share your woes on Facebook. This will backfire and friends will be dropping by your house at all hours of the night with no-bake cookies to cheer you up. If that happens, 

kick them in the face…

especially if it’s Ms. Wheat Roll.  

 I don’t love her, she kicked me in the face.

5. Give up and start again on Monday

If you fail, don’t beat yourself up about it. Truth be told, most of us thought that would happen and we’re happy when you fail. It makes us feel a little bit better about ourselves. Just realize that you are building other people up when you fall.

You’re a builder. 

And that’s why we love you.