YOU,
yes you!
The person eating way too much sugar.
I’m not talking about the girl who eats a wheat roll with her grilled chicken and asparagus and beats herself up for inhaling too many carbs. I’m talking about those of us who eat a doughnut for breakfast, fifteen Tootsie Rolls for a morning snack and two popcorn balls for lunch. Ms. Wheat Roll just guffawed because she thinks we’re joking. Nope, we’re not. We feel like we are always in a fog, we steal our kids’ Halloween candy when they are at school and we feel terrible about ourselves every time we climb into bed.
So, how do we stop the madness?
Here are a few simple, doable tricks to help you kick the sugar habit. First of all, you should know that I am not a nutritionist, I am not a fitness guru and I don’t like coconut or playing monopoly. I’m just a regular Joe(or a regular Joe’s wife in this case), but I have successfully kicked the habit of sugar binging more than a few times. Here are a couple of tips to get you started.
1. Bite your tongue
I know what you’re thinking, we’re not trying to stop slandering people, we’re trying to eighty-six the sugar beast. I understand that, but I’m not speaking metaphorically, I’m being very literal.
Bite your tongue.
In half if you need to.
If you can’t taste it or effectively swallow, you won’t eat it.
2. Eat sand
We can’t eat sand.
Yes you can..... and you will.
When Grandma Joan visits with her “Better Than Sex Cake” in tow and everyone is giggling and drooling, you will stuff your freaking mouth with sand.
That ain’t no answer.
It's the only answer.
3. Put yourself into an actual coma
I know you’re not questioning this one, not even a little bit. It’s the quickest way to sugar detox and you won’t have to clean toilets or fold laundry for a month. Heck, you won’t even have to get up to pee.
It’s a no-brainer.
4. Cry
That’s right. Have a good cry. Once you suck the joy out of life by giving up sugary goodness, there is nothing left to do. If you don’t feel like crying yet, just visualize cake-less birthday parties, pie-less Thanksgivings and waking up on Christmas morning with carrot sticks in your stocking. Everything you love about life is dead and gone.
CRY YOUR EYES OUT.
But whatever you do, don’t share your woes on Facebook. This will backfire and friends will be dropping by your house at all hours of the night with no-bake cookies to cheer you up. If that happens,
kick them in the face…
especially if it’s Ms. Wheat Roll.
I don’t love her, she kicked me in the face.
5. Give up and start again on Monday
If you fail, don’t beat yourself up about it. Truth be told, most of us thought that would happen and we’re happy when you fail. It makes us feel a little bit better about ourselves. Just realize that you are building other people up when you fall.
You’re a builder.
And that’s why we love you.
Elle, oh Elle!
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